December 11, 2006

• GUILT...

  Okay - so initially when my mom asked me for money, I was reluctant to give it to her.  I've basically promised my hard-earned bonus this year to her.  I guess there were a couple things bothering me about that - first, that it's been a really tough, long year for me, and this bonus is the result of long hours of frustration, misery, and fatigue; secondly, because I knew it was needed because my dad is wasteful and doesn't understand the value of other people's money.

  So, I've been thinking of ways to get out of it without making my mom think that I was an ungrateful kid.  Or at least to get my dad to understand what it means to me to give this to them...Then the other day, I am talking to my mom about my job, and start rambling about how it's taking its toll on my health, completely unaware of how that's going to make my mom feel.  And then she's crying on the phone, feeling guilty about what all this hard work is putting me through, and she tells me to forget about the bonus money and keep it for myself, use it to go on a nice vacation and relax and get better.

  Completely unintentionally, I've achieved the goal I've wanted all this time - a "Get out of jail free" card.  And of course, I feel like a complete ass. I hadn't meant to say it in that way, I didn't want her to feel guilty, and I didn't want her to cry, I felt so shitty that I hadn't thought enough ahead to realize how she would react.  So, of course I tell her that no, no, I've already set that money aside, and I want her to have it, and she shouldn't feel bad about it.  And I end up in the same place I was, still wanting to keep that money, but now feeling even more guilty for feeling that way in the first place.  It's a vicious cycle...

  • 2:40 pm
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